Wanna keep your makeup from cluttering up your stupid cabinets and make it easily accessible to clutter up your stupid face? Well, lucky for you, it’s easy to do this magnetic makeup board your damn self. Just cover a fugly thrift store painting with a sheet of metal and some cool fabric, glue magnets to your makeup and voila! One tip: you’ll probably need a bigger frame for all the makeup it’s gonna take to cover your hideous, acne-scarred, mouth-breathing face. This one might work. If you only plan on going out in the dark.

Who knew Sesame Street had such a seedy underbelly? Looks like Elmo, Big Bird, Grover and Oscar the Grouch are closet bukkake enthusiasts.

Extry, Extry! Read all about it! Desperate-for-approval blog reader builds fantastically simple but elegant magazine stool for over-egoed snark princess! Extry, Extry! Newsie joke fails after blogger remembers stack is made of magazines! Extry, Extry! Overuse of exclamation point rips hole in the fabric of existence! Extry, Extry! Said hole swallows Tom Arnold so it’s all good!

A dinner table with real grass and dirt in it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, at the time you were riding a unicycle made out of dragon bones and drinking a virgin-blood martini.

That’s when Freckles II showed up to ruin everything. You’d be surprised how squeamish Satanists can get about a little cat feces.

This 2011 Son of Road Kill calendar will make the perfect gift for almost no one on your list. For example, if you like animals, life or unbloodied pavement, it is not for you. But you’ll be finding one under your tree anyways because I’m a asshole.

I’m usually the first to spew vitriol at slipcovers of any variety, but this awesome hand knitted armchair slipcover is a whole different story. This story involves wintertime, hot chocolate, a plate of fresh-from-the-oven cookies, a fire in the fireplace, cozy pajamas, a knock at the door, a lost and helpless stranger, a sudden storm that knocks out the power, an axe blade glinting in the firelight, blood-curdling screams, a dismembered body, DNA evidence under some fingernails, a week-long manhunt, an exhaustive trial, an insanity plea followed by a guilty charge, many years in a psychiatric prison, a 60 Minutes interview, a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and a Where Are They Now? feature in True Crime Magazine. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure Story, and it kind of spiraled out of control.

When I was a kid you could buy two brands of map pencils — Crayola or Rose Art. If you bought Rose Art you might as well wear ProWings and a skid mark. Because a big pile of shaded shit was headed your way.

DIYDS Colored Pencil Shelf via The Daily What

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve mistaken fire for Kleenex, I wouldn’t be able to pick them up because I’ve burned all my fucking fingers off trying to blow my nose.

Today I’m going to teach you neophytes how to use the alphabet. For beginners, I suggest simply ingesting alphabet soup. The alphabetized bookshelf to the left is pretty awesome for intermediates. But for those of you ready to use letters to make sentences, I’m going to demonstrate how to write the world’s most perfect blog post:

asdfadsf

Best. Sentences. Ever.

adsfadsf

Done. Hope you learned something.

I bet you think I’m gonna make a Moby DICK joke, but I’m not. I’m gonna make a whale joke. Ahem.

Two whales were swimming in the ocean when they noticed a whale harpooning boat. Furious, the boy whale told the girl whale that they should swim underneath it, blow air out of their blowholes as hard as the could and flip it over so the harpooners would drown. They did, but the boy whale realized that the people weren’t drowning; they were swimming to shore. He told the girl whale that they should swim after them and eat them all up before they could make it to land. Exasperated, the girl whale said, “Listen, I went along with the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen.”

I never said it would be a funny whale joke. Now buy this tray OR ELSE.