I bet you think I’m gonna make a Moby DICK joke, but I’m not. I’m gonna make a whale joke. Ahem.

Two whales were swimming in the ocean when they noticed a whale harpooning boat. Furious, the boy whale told the girl whale that they should swim underneath it, blow air out of their blowholes as hard as the could and flip it over so the harpooners would drown. They did, but the boy whale realized that the people weren’t drowning; they were swimming to shore. He told the girl whale that they should swim after them and eat them all up before they could make it to land. Exasperated, the girl whale said, “Listen, I went along with the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen.”

I never said it would be a funny whale joke. Now buy this tray OR ELSE.

Cats have had dominion over our laps for too long. It’s time to rise up! And then sit back down. On giant, kind of creepy cat-shaped couches. That’s right, cats. Fuck you.

I think the Cheeky is officially the most popular kid in high school, if by kid you mean e-commerce website and by high school you mean the entire interwebs (see here, here, yesterday’s BHG tweets and below). But I want to sleep with the quarterback too, so here is the best thing from the Cheeky we haven’t posted yet – tea bags. It’s a pun and a beverage. And if drinking it makes you gag a little, don’t worry. That happens to all the girls when they’re with the Cheeky.

PS – I’m totally doodling “Sarah The Cheeky” all over my Trapper Keeper right now.

66% of the Badder Homes girls are on vacation. The other 33% are just fucking lazy. So no posts today. You should be outside playing anyways.

I love the Laundromat, I used to go there and clean out my toenails with toothpicks while I waited for my comforter to dry. But I don’t think I’d make a print about it. That’s just fucking weird.

Buy some glow-in-the-dark toilet paper and send your doo doos to a rave. Slip them some ecstasy and they’ll, like, totally make out with your toilet bowl.

We’ll be bailing out on all non-patriotic responsibilities until July 6th. If we’re not back after that, it means lighting firecrackers in our cleavage was less successful than we planned.

I wouldn’t sacrifice my old cassette tapes for some stupid cube lamp, but you should. Trust me, no one is going to miss your gently used Ace of Bases.

via B-town

Shake those biscuits and pull out your cheddar for a little strip tea party. But something tells me this tall drink of water tea isn’t going to quench the thirst you’d hoped he would. Though he does do a rather stirring rendition of Pour Some Sugar On Me. Or Equal, if that’s what you’re into.

These are called Halloween WOW-indows, but why should October 31st have all the fun? Scare the shit out of your neighbors now. But first, you’re going to need a dilapidated old home soaked in cat urine. What’s that? You already have one? It’s called my mom’s house? Your game is weak, Reader, your game is weak…