Thursday, August 9, 2012

L8R, H8R

While we’re very accustomed to breaking other people’s bones, our promises and children’s spirits, we’ve never taken a break from blogging. So we’re packing up for a couple weeks to stave off the impending carpal tunnel and take part in summer activities like hating people while sweaty and being lazy as fuck while sweaty.

Try not to ugly-cry your face off. We’ll see you kids in September!

 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

When The Chair’s A Rockin’…

Just the other day I was saying, “You know what? I really wish there were more ways to fall on my face.” And then whaddya know, some asswipe goes and invents Rocking Slippers. Looks like I’m one shipment away from cracked teeth and contusions everywhere!!!

via Chad “Toots” Ballew

 

Monday, August 15, 2011

DIYDS: Makeup Forever. And Ever.

Wanna keep your makeup from cluttering up your stupid cabinets and make it easily accessible to clutter up your stupid face? Well, lucky for you, it’s easy to do this magnetic makeup board your damn self. Just cover a fugly thrift store painting with a sheet of metal and some cool fabric, glue magnets to your makeup and voila! One tip: you’ll probably need a bigger frame for all the makeup it’s gonna take to cover your hideous, acne-scarred, mouth-breathing face. This one might work. If you only plan on going out in the dark.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

This Post Brought to You by the Letter O

Who knew Sesame Street had such a seedy underbelly? Looks like Elmo, Big Bird, Grover and Oscar the Grouch are closet bukkake enthusiasts.

 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

DIYDS: Stool Sample

Extry, Extry! Read all about it! Desperate-for-approval blog reader builds fantastically simple but elegant magazine stool for over-egoed snark princess! Extry, Extry! Newsie joke fails after blogger remembers stack is made of magazines! Extry, Extry! Overuse of exclamation point rips hole in the fabric of existence! Extry, Extry! Said hole swallows Tom Arnold so it’s all good!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Shit Where You Eat

A dinner table with real grass and dirt in it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, at the time you were riding a unicycle made out of dragon bones and drinking a virgin-blood martini.

That’s when Freckles II showed up to ruin everything. You’d be surprised how squeamish Satanists can get about a little cat feces.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Happy Eeewwwww Smear

This 2011 Son of Road Kill calendar will make the perfect gift for almost no one on your list. For example, if you like animals, life or unbloodied pavement, it is not for you. But you’ll be finding one under your tree anyways because I’m a asshole.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Yarn Time

I’m usually the first to spew vitriol at slipcovers of any variety, but this awesome hand knitted armchair slipcover is a whole different story. This story involves wintertime, hot chocolate, a plate of fresh-from-the-oven cookies, a fire in the fireplace, cozy pajamas, a knock at the door, a lost and helpless stranger, a sudden storm that knocks out the power, an axe blade glinting in the firelight, blood-curdling screams, a dismembered body, DNA evidence under some fingernails, a week-long manhunt, an exhaustive trial, an insanity plea followed by a guilty charge, many years in a psychiatric prison, a 60 Minutes interview, a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and a Where Are They Now? feature in True Crime Magazine. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure Story, and it kind of spiraled out of control.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

DIYDS: Pencil Me In

When I was a kid you could buy two brands of map pencils — Crayola or Rose Art. If you bought Rose Art you might as well wear ProWings and a skid mark. Because a big pile of shaded shit was headed your way.

DIYDS Colored Pencil Shelf via The Daily What

Friday, October 29, 2010

Cold Sores

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve mistaken fire for Kleenex, I wouldn’t be able to pick them up because I’ve burned all my fucking fingers off trying to blow my nose.

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