Well this rain’s on my parade… These are called cloud vases, but if you ask me they look less like a cloud and more like half a boob job.

Looks like someone finally cracked the code on making toilets even shittier. And that someone is me. I’m going to buy a baker’s dozen!!

Rudolph Toilet Cover, $11.25

This vase is a lot of things, but there is one thing it’s not – a good gift for a paraplegic.

Once again, please direct all your hate mail to Krista.

Sharp thorns on roses and huge claws on kittens,
Bright silver shanks; stealing derelicts’ mittens,
Brown paper drug parcels, leather sex swings…
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored quaaludes and dead Standard poodles,
Dumbells with skull contact, brain bits in oodles,

Vases topped with gaudy gigantic rings…
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the I wear one
And I punch you
(‘Cuz I’m raving mad)
Your jaw splits and you bleed to death on my bed…
Destroying my maaaaaattress pad!

I got this catalog the other day and I thought, “eh, I’ll thumb through when I have time.” Fortunately, I had to work today and thank goodness because this thing is a fucking goldmine. It looks better in print though. So order it, kill a tree, feel guilty and off yourself. Fair’s fair, right?

Wall-Mount Test Tube Vases? More like Wall-Mount Condom Vases. I can’t help it: when I look at these I see condoms. Also, when I look at hot dogs, I see penises, when I look at coin purses, I see vaginas, when I look at apples and oranges, I see butts and boobs, and when I look at Oprah, I see hope for humanity. What? I may be a pervert, but I’m still a woman!

Oh boy, this came from Oh Joy!

In the Olden Days, the Uterus cavorted with the fairies in rivers of wine and Midol, trying to hug people and making gutteral noises like Cookie Monster. But as society advanced people abandoned the old ways. They started taking Seasonique and the Uterus began to fade. But if we all believe in her real hard, she’ll return to grant us cramps and mood swings. So close your eyes and believe like you’ve never believed before. But if a little poop comes out, ease up. You’re believing too hard.

This claims to be a uterus vase, but isn’t it really the best place ever to store your tampons? Duh.

Oh look Macaulay Culkin is almost relevant again. Check out this Home Alone face vase from a pretty radical shop called tini, or This Is Not Ikea, for all you numbnuts out there.

Branscome Glass makes recycled glass bowl-ettes. She has a deal with local restaurants and I’m sure it’s pretty lucrative, but guess what else would be? Teaming up with hoarders. Seriously, if you’re an upcycler*, put an ad on Craig’s List ASAP. This could be the beginning of a beautiful, albeit overcrowded, unsanitary, hazardous-to-your-health, seriously-my-eyes-are-burning-and-I-can’t-feel-my-legs, why-God-why partnership.

*Third and final BHG blogger to use this word in a post. Congratulations, your life is officially complete.

If you cut a hole in the front of your underpants, I’m willing to bet your cooter would look like this and not this.

I’m also giving myself eight million points for a Dukes of Hazzard reference, so if you’re playing along at home, that’s ME: Eight Million Points, YOU: Zero.