I already posted about a vase today so now I’ll tell you a story. I chipped a back tooth. When I got to the office today I said, “I chipped a back tooth.” A nameless, faceless co-worker said, “Oh, you met Iron Man?”

Brush Vase, $95

These are British. That’s why they’re perfect for sending in the “post.” Also why your face looks like a dog’s “bum.” (As opposed to nutsack which is what we’re all really thinking.)

Technically, this is just really cool art. But I like to imagine it’s part of a line of customized urns depicting the manner of death of the corpse inside. Some of you may want to hold out on dying just yet. I don’ think they’ve perfected the “garroted with own belt while touching yourself to an animated gif of Justin Bieber running into a glass door” version yet.

Well this rain’s on my parade… These are called cloud vases, but if you ask me they look less like a cloud and more like half a boob job.

Looks like someone finally cracked the code on making toilets even shittier. And that someone is me. I’m going to buy a baker’s dozen!!

Rudolph Toilet Cover, $11.25

This vase is a lot of things, but there is one thing it’s not – a good gift for a paraplegic.

Once again, please direct all your hate mail to Krista.

Sharp thorns on roses and huge claws on kittens,
Bright silver shanks; stealing derelicts’ mittens,
Brown paper drug parcels, leather sex swings…
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored quaaludes and dead Standard poodles,
Dumbells with skull contact, brain bits in oodles,

Vases topped with gaudy gigantic rings…
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the I wear one
And I punch you
(‘Cuz I’m raving mad)
Your jaw splits and you bleed to death on my bed…
Destroying my maaaaaattress pad!

I got this catalog the other day and I thought, “eh, I’ll thumb through when I have time.” Fortunately, I had to work today and thank goodness because this thing is a fucking goldmine. It looks better in print though. So order it, kill a tree, feel guilty and off yourself. Fair’s fair, right?

Wall-Mount Test Tube Vases? More like Wall-Mount Condom Vases. I can’t help it: when I look at these I see condoms. Also, when I look at hot dogs, I see penises, when I look at coin purses, I see vaginas, when I look at apples and oranges, I see butts and boobs, and when I look at Oprah, I see hope for humanity. What? I may be a pervert, but I’m still a woman!

Oh boy, this came from Oh Joy!

In the Olden Days, the Uterus cavorted with the fairies in rivers of wine and Midol, trying to hug people and making gutteral noises like Cookie Monster. But as society advanced people abandoned the old ways. They started taking Seasonique and the Uterus began to fade. But if we all believe in her real hard, she’ll return to grant us cramps and mood swings. So close your eyes and believe like you’ve never believed before. But if a little poop comes out, ease up. You’re believing too hard.

This claims to be a uterus vase, but isn’t it really the best place ever to store your tampons? Duh.