Oh look Macaulay Culkin is almost relevant again. Check out this Home Alone face vase from a pretty radical shop called tini, or This Is Not Ikea, for all you numbnuts out there.

Branscome Glass makes recycled glass bowl-ettes. She has a deal with local restaurants and I’m sure it’s pretty lucrative, but guess what else would be? Teaming up with hoarders. Seriously, if you’re an upcycler*, put an ad on Craig’s List ASAP. This could be the beginning of a beautiful, albeit overcrowded, unsanitary, hazardous-to-your-health, seriously-my-eyes-are-burning-and-I-can’t-feel-my-legs, why-God-why partnership.

*Third and final BHG blogger to use this word in a post. Congratulations, your life is officially complete.

If you cut a hole in the front of your underpants, I’m willing to bet your cooter would look like this and not this.

I’m also giving myself eight million points for a Dukes of Hazzard reference, so if you’re playing along at home, that’s ME: Eight Million Points, YOU: Zero.

If I were a bear, I’d hibernate through wedding season. Since I’m not, I’m forced to endure this crapfest while trying to keep my lunch down. (Which was a bitter sandwich by the way.) The only semi-redeeming thing about asshole unions are floral arrangements. Like this one entirely handcrafted of clay. That’s right, clay. Which almost makes it worth the $165 they’re asking. Oh no wait, it totally doesn’t.

I love these little ceramic peapods. The inverted pockmarked exterior reminds me of Edward James Olmos. While the bold interior is soooo Phillip Michael Thomas.

My dog is the surreptitious raper of the dog park. As soon as someone’s St. Bernard innocently bends down to get a drink from the communal bowl, in jumps Billie, going to town on their ass like ass going out of style. By the way, Billie is a girl. Oh, and she doesn’t shy away from a good head-humping either.

So, in memory of her sexual predation, I am thinking of buying these fabulous handmade vases from Cyrus The Potter, who, I’m sure, will be thrilled to have his site come up when people google “molester.”

Sorry Cyrus.

Okay, here’s the deal. If any of you like this vase, give me a call. I have some old vacuum cleaner attachments I’d be willing to part with. I’ll even throw in a crevice tool for your trouble.

Okay, here’s the other deal. I’m willing to admit the vase with the stripe* is kind of cool, but I still say we can dupe that shit with a Hoover hose and a can of spray paint.

*There really is a stripe on one, I swear. That’s why they call it the Straw Vase. Which is why the title is The Last Straw. Which is why you’re all going, “Ooohhh, I get it.” right about now.

This lovely vase makes a poignant statement about the absurdity of war. It’s called the Peaceful Bomb Vase, and proceeds from its purchase go to a charity called A.N.S.W.E.R: Act Now to Stop War & End Racism.

Not that I give a damn. I just want to distract someone with something shiny, then hurl it full-force at their face while screaming “MY NEW VASE IS THE BOMB!”

These vases are created by combining two different plaster casts to make one vessel. It’s a perfect gift for one of the two-faced bitches you pretend to be friends with. (By the way, she hates you, too.)

“I hate your face.” Not something I hear much due to my sparkling personality and classic beauty. However, something I say quite often.

While I’ve never been a pugilist – I choose to settle my disagreements with Blair Waldorf-style sabotage – I love Rosenthal’s accidental nod to our baser instincts.

Vase of Phases is a series of ceramics that look like Rocky half way through that fight with the Russian guy. Designed by Dror Benshetrit, they are meant to represent the transitions we all go through in life. But I like to think they represent the transition of my fist into your worst nightmare.