Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!

Apparently the cast of Pawn Stars just discovered the invention of mail because all of these bacon-flavored envelopes are out of stock.

via Clint “Drop It Like It’s Hot” Martin

The Thing is a subscription to quarterly objects that include words created by artists and writers. I guess I should support their vision, but instead I’m taking a giant 2o12 inaugural dump on it. Q1′s object: a shower curtain written by Dave Eggers. For the first time, the thing in the bathroom most full of shit won’t be your butt. Let’s hope that crab shampoo also gets rid of affectations, pretensions and general douchetardness.

This year you can buy Jersey Shore ornaments for your tree. Buy all three and they’ll throw in self-tanner, a bottle of Chaser and a case of the clap.

I have my own form of Kitchen Bull. And it goes a little something like, “Of course I didn’t soak your meatloaf in ipecac.”

This link is a how-to on dyeing crepe paper. But it’s only for men, the menopausal, the prepubescent, or anyone anyone else who doesn’t have a used tampon to unravel.

To each shmers own, but the only motorboating the Milk Jug inspires for me is an intense desire to stick the eyeball part of my face into the turning propeller of an actual motor boat. Product note: the jug is refillable with “animal and vegetable milk.” Well, since you put it that way…Thanks for ruining cereal, lattes and, oh yeah, everything ever.

PS – In case you’re wondering, “shmers” is not a typo, but my attempt at creating a multigender pronoun. It’s called mental masturbation innovation.

To do this sepia-toned effect your damn self, you simply put a picture of you and your man in a mason jar and fill it with olive oil. Or, if you’re still in high school, you can skip the olive oil and fill it with grease scraped off your boyfriend’s face and bacne. It’s a money saver!

When you can’t find anything to post about, just search “penis” on whatever site you’re on. When you do, stuff like this comes up. They’re called Bully Sticks and they’re “a dehydrated large tendon of a bull’s penis.” I was horrified enough when I thought they were for humans, but then I read that they’re for dogs and I just thought, “Fuck that. Someone needs to set this cause to Sarah McLachlan music STAT.”

I’m so glad I stumbled on the idea of gift-wrapping a bottle of wine in a pair of socks. I’m going to this guy’s birthday party this weekend, and I didn’t want to give him another pedicure gift card.