I’ll have you know that at my house, making tacos IS making war. Because I like to kill the cows myself, and also because I like to give them weapons and encourage them to fight back. You haven’t seen combat until you’ve seen a Red Angus with a thirst for blood, recently grave-snatched and freshly-stitched-on opposable human thumbs and a rusty Puckle Gun. Unless you’ve seen Apocalypse Now, in which case let’s just move on, shall we?

I love this Push to Quit wood panel. Not only is it really cool, it also gives me good practice for the next time I find you at the top of a staircase.

“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

Those fuckwads over at Keep Calm Gallery owe us pretty big for inciting this bullshit. The good news is they’re finally paying up. Check out this super swank gold foil Smile print. They actually have quite a few cool prints on their site and they’re located in the UK so cheers! ‘ello! and wanker! to losing your ass on the exchange rate.

via Style by Emily Henderson

There’s a much easier way to hide your thermostat, garage door opener, fuse box or whatever. Just leave bodies laying around your house. No one notices the walls when they’re constantly stepping over rotting Grandmas. Especially if it’s their rotting Grandma. Think, people. THINK.

I really want to like those holiday Target Lady commercials, but I just can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. Instead, I kinda wish this plaster hand would drop the lightbulb, come to life and strangle her overacting little throat. P.S. I’m a little stressed out these days. Is it that obvious?

This thing is the business. It’s made entirely of thread and an old Plinko board and if you don’t have one of those lying around, it’s super easy to get one — just let Drew Carey feel you up. Totally worth it.

To my mind, chess isn’t game. It’s a viable alternative to suicide. But for you dorks who can’t get enough of the only pass time that can out-boring golf, here’s a vertical version of the game designed to help you show off the pleated khakis, crack sweat, cellphone holster, and ball cleave. For the love of Jesus, will someone please write a book for nerds explaining how to wear pants.

Our friend Cassidy posted The Presidential Ham on our friend Alan’s wall and said, “You need these.”And while it’s true he may need them, I think it’s safe to say we kinda all do.

Even though I’m no longer a professional cartographer, I can tell you the “Where I’ve Been” scratch map neglected to include “The Isle of Your Mom.” Probably for the best since I’ve heard the place is overrun with crabs.

• Cartographer joke: check
• Your mom joke: check
• STD joke: check
• Oooh, I just found 25 cents in the sofa: bonus