The only thing I have in common with the owner of this dry erase clock is that we both spend time vibrating at 4:00, if you know what I mean. (I mean masturbating). But instead of dreaming, loving and all that crap, my daily breakdown looks like this:

12:00 – Drunk Driving

1:00 – Raping

2:00 – Arson

3:00 – Reflecting on My General Awesomeness

4:00 – Vibrating (wink, wink)

5:00 – Buying Myself Gifts

6:00 – Gazing at Myself in the Mirror

7:00 – Judging Others

8:00 – Pillaging

9:00 – Vehicular Manslaughter

10:00 – Naptime

11:00 – Body Shots

My days are clearly pretty full. Speaking of which, I gotta run. It’s past Rape :45 and I’m late for an “appointment.”

I’m keeping this short because I’m super busy vomiting onto my keyboard. This Coco Mirror looks like toenail clippings and even typing that makes me want to die. OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE THEY’RE IN MY MOUTH. Gag gross puke vom oh my God, ick sick my guts are wrapped around the spacebar.

via Robin, who I will forgive for this eventually

This post is like the Doublemint Twins of BHG. Except you don’t want to tittyfuck it. (Or do you?!?) Up for grabs we have two items illustrated by Oliver Jeffers…

1. A hand-drawn map of the world and some pushpins. (Yay. Holes.)

2. A book called, “The Incredible Book Eating Boy.” (Let’s crap words!!)

via swissmiss

Does this poster rule –> Yes.

Do you suck? –> A little bit. –> I’m not going to lie.

This is so fucking strange I don’t even know what to say about it. It’s a man with another man coming out of his abdomen pooping tapeworms into a reincarnated fish’s mouth, right? But that’s not even the weird part. The weird part is I totally have that hat.

I want Judy Paul’s Tiger River print for the empty wall space above my bed. See, the tiger is a metaphor. Sure, it says that I’m a wild cat in the sack, but much like a tiger I can also spend up to eighteen hours sleeping, I eat mostly meat but will occasionally enjoy vegetation for fiber, and that I made my first kill at around 18 months of age.

Well, ain’t that just darlin’. Cletus Mcgee asked Becky Sue to the prom. She done spent the whole day down at Lerlene’s Set and Curl gettin’ her hair done and havin’ that little half-dumb helper girl (bless her heart) paint up her nails real pretty. Lord, I heard her dress was ten whole dollars at the Penny Mart. Sure does look like an angel, though. It’s got a buncha lace around the hem and it’s a real soft pink color. Kinda the color of  a cow’s udder, but with ruffles all up around that sweet face a-hers.

Uh…sorry about that. This is some Reclaimed Wood Paneling. It’s a valiant effort, but putting a hillbilly in a prom dress doesn’t make her a princess. I’m just sayin’.

There’s good news, and then there’s bad news. The good news is this light switch means never tripping over another drunken, naked nine-year-old. The bad news is it’s pretty hard to beat it with the lights on.

Via FiPi Lele.

I can think of a few more places I’d like to mess about, but sure, we’ll pretend my favorite is boats. And not “horse tracks,” “cock fights” or “nut-punching arenas.”

I don’t know why I’m a sucker for hearts, Valentine’s and pink things (not those ones), but I am. I likely couldn’t fill a heart with Polaroids of things I like, but I could take pictures of a lot of things I don’t like, color the frames dark and make a black heart on my wall to match the one in my chest cavity. And I highly suggest you all do the same. All hail half-empty.