“I never win anything.” And you never will. Fortunately, earmark is willing to lie on your behalf. I know these are really being used as party invites and wedding save the dates, but for a few extra dollhairs I’m sure they’ll hook you up with a “Gonarrhea-free for 8 months.” See that? It doesn’t even have to be true!!!

I just wanted to let you know that somewhere on the internet, this is happening. And for just $35 it could be happening on a wall near you. No, no. Don’t thank me. Unless it’s by petitioning Congress for a national holiday in my honor. In which case, thank away.

Did you know there’s a such thing as magnetic primer that turns your whole entire wall into a great big memo board? Well there is. It’s really awesome and I really hope you get some and then I really, really hope it rips out your cock ring.

via The other BHG

The Wall is a book about modern day music posters and features our pit-stained friends, Magnificent Beard. You should buy it. If you want. I mean you don’t have to or anything. It’s really up to you. I, I, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Are you sure you’re okay? You’re pretty. Will you be my friend?*

*This post brought to you by my new character The Insecure Blogger.

If you subscribe to Daily Candy, you’ve already seen this. If you don’t, here’s what you’re missing. The “Love is Art” kit comes with “a treated non-allergenic cotton canvas as well as a specially formulated non-toxic, washable paint.” Basically, you and your sexmate cover your bodies in the paint and then do it on the canvas. After that, you hang it on the wall, make people throw up and ensure no one ever gets a boner ever again and several people saw their dicks off right then and there because sex for them is now ruined. RUINED. Thanks to you, your lard ass and a bucket of non-toxic paint. Way to go, Love is Art, you dumbfuck.

“I went to art college and all I got was this fucking attitude.” Hey, it happens, but look on the bright side…at least you’re not Vegan. Oh wait, you are? Well, shit… Okay, new bright side — There’s very little chance your malnourished body will sustain itself for much longer.

via ffffound!

Hugs keep us alive. This is SO true. Except for the hug part. Murder…that’s what really keeps us alive. In the sense that “I feel so alive. I just murdered.” It’s my new catchphrase. (Not the boardgame.)

I don’t mean to be an asshole (except I always do), but there’s no way this little shithead is that good at coloring. Look at him, he can’t even comb his hair. I bet he eats his own farts, too.

Colour In Burger Wallpaper, £35.00

That’s right, it’s not a binky. It’s a FUCKING PACIFIER, you feeble-minded nimrod. If you ever spew baby talk to my future spawn, I’m going to kick you repeatedly in the bummy-wummy, fist-hug your face until you see sparkly-warklies and throw you in a ditch to forever sleep. CAPICE?

This is really cool, but kinda confusing. Not unlike returning from lunch to find ‘removing barbie heads from rectum’ in your Google search bar. Other classics? ‘Sexy boys’ and ‘I need new co-workers.’

via Alan ‘Scorsese’ McCoy