In the style of “My Favorite Things.”

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Rain on my glasses, smalltalk, and proposals;

Fast cars and loud bars and stinky disposals;

Your face, DVD players, and tangled up strings;

These are a few of my most hated things!

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Rouched sleeves on t-shirts and dogs without leashes;

slow walkers, loud neighbors, and warm, sunny beaches;

overwrought novels and actors who sing;

these are a few of my most hated things!

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Yes, your poem bites!

No, you can’t sing!

People are “whos,” not “thats!”

These are a few of my most hated things;

And it’s not the pants, you’re fat!

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Happy New Year, assholes!

Cute. A flask you can hide in your tie and take to work. One question. You can’t drink openly at your office? I’ve been drinking non-stop in this office for years and no one’s said a damn thing. Wait … this isn’t an office. It’s an underpass. Man, that got depressing fast. Jäger Bombs, anyone? Twitchy guy in dirty bear costume, I’m looking at you.

Well, you know what they say… liquor in the front, beaker in the rear.

This lamp puts the “um” in umbilical cord and the FBI wire tap on your landline, and then it puts the “um” on your landline, because who’s still tethered to the wall with a cord? This guy is, my friends. And that’s why it’s called the Circle of Life. (jazz hands.)

I finally plucked the last of my Fu Manchu. Movember’s over, but apparently, not forgotten. This holiday season get your very own Bauballs, testicles for the tree. Is it just me or does this look more like a big juicy butt than a set of nuts?

via BuzzFeed

This incredibly realistic leopard stair runner is a great way to teach your kids fun leopard facts. For example, leopards are the best climbers of all the big cats, they begin learning to climb trees at 3 to 4 months old and they can easily drape around the branches because they’re flimsy goo-filled skin sacks born completely devoid of organs or bones.

Hold on. Recovering from vomiting after writing that terrible post title. “All your post titles are terrible.” Well, you can go to hell. Be sure to say “hi” to my mom when you get there. Back to this post. It’s about this Jon Hamm coloring book I found via the Etsy Pinterest boards. Love it. Because nothing says “holidays” like a coloring book about a handsome, lushy anti-hero with a burger problem. Except waking up dazed in a strange bed next to a department store Santa. Or a handwritten card that reads, “One free pass for anal.”

Much like a purple nurple, this is a shocking twist: these aren’t actually obscene! Apparently the goal of this crap is to “sublimate the fonction of the object.” Yes, fonction. That’s what is says. I don’t know what the fonction it’s supposed to mean but I think we can all agree that it’s time to change our underpants.

I heard that every time you burn toast a kitten masturbates, but that can’t be true. Can it?

Domo Toaster, $40

via Incredible Things!

I realize we’re over a month out from Halloween, but if ever there was a product made for this blog, it’s Pornkins, porn stencils for your pumpkins. Here at BHG, we keep it simple with wieners and boobs, but if you have the steady hand to pull off actual intercourse, we tip our pumpkin stems to you. Perv on, perv-y.