…said the balloons that I was loudly popping in the face of your soundly sleeping newborn.

You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

Add “tranquilizer” to the end of this thought and you’ve got my Saturday night.

Listen, you pretentious hippie posters, if I want to be judged I’ll go to church like a normal person. And by “church,” I obviously mean Judge Judy. She’s one tough cookie!

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

And women are attracted to bald spots, flab and dirty cargo jeans. If this print were the truth, 90% off our land mass would be occupied by cat shelters.

This is called Gangsta Wrap and it’s pretty much you’re go-to when your gifts ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hos.

via Chad “Zipper Bass” Ballew

Just in time-ish for Valentine’s day, you can compare your love to… what, heartburn? Hemorrhoid discomfort? The burning itch of Herpes Simplex Vagina? If it’s anything dating me, I’d say that’s accurate. Just ask my boyfriend or my gynecologist. (They’re the same guy, by the way. My Uncle Carl.)

These Candy Cuffs are perfect for your diabetic lover. What are they going to do, eat their way through?

Do you feel voluminous, punk? Well, do ya?