Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I Suc at Nurturing

Not at my house, you won’t. For heavens’ sakes, I kill succulents! (That’s a synonym for fetuses.)

 

Here, buy this pot of false hopes.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Shine On

For $425 you can take a pill that will make your doodoo twinkle so it looks like The Real Housewives will have a new spin-off.

via Incredible Things

Monday, January 7, 2013

Yuck

These are called wall tears and I suspect it’s because they suck so bad they actually made an inanimate object weep. Hell, even I cried and I’m at least 10% animate. On a good day. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A Dirty Trick

Looks like I can finally upgrade my bath style from Whore’s to Cowboy. Cowboy Bath lets you scrub dem dirty parts when you’re on the go, like camping, mountain biking and probably also semi-professional backyard mud-wrasslin’. Plus it’s from fucking TEXAS where all amazing things are created. I’ll just leave exhibits A and B right here.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

These are a Few of My Most Hated Things

In the style of “My Favorite Things.”

asdfasd

Rain on my glasses, smalltalk, and proposals;

Fast cars and loud bars and stinky disposals;

Your face, DVD players, and tangled up strings;

These are a few of my most hated things!

asdfasd

Rouched sleeves on t-shirts and dogs without leashes;

slow walkers, loud neighbors, and warm, sunny beaches;

overwrought novels and actors who sing;

these are a few of my most hated things!

asdfds

Yes, your poem bites!

No, you can’t sing!

People are “whos,” not “thats!”

These are a few of my most hated things;

And it’s not the pants, you’re fat!

asdfds

Happy New Year, assholes!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Tie One On

Cute. A flask you can hide in your tie and take to work. One question. You can’t drink openly at your office? I’ve been drinking non-stop in this office for years and no one’s said a damn thing. Wait … this isn’t an office. It’s an underpass. Man, that got depressing fast. Jäger Bombs, anyone? Twitchy guy in dirty bear costume, I’m looking at you.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Working On Your Chemistry

Well, you know what they say… liquor in the front, beaker in the rear.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just Plugging Along

This lamp puts the “um” in umbilical cord and the FBI wire tap on your landline, and then it puts the “um” on your landline, because who’s still tethered to the wall with a cord? This guy is, my friends. And that’s why it’s called the Circle of Life. (jazz hands.)

Monday, December 10, 2012

Baller

I finally plucked the last of my Fu Manchu. Movember’s over, but apparently, not forgotten. This holiday season get your very own Bauballs, testicles for the tree. Is it just me or does this look more like a big juicy butt than a set of nuts?

via BuzzFeed

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Spot the Problem

This incredibly realistic leopard stair runner is a great way to teach your kids fun leopard facts. For example, leopards are the best climbers of all the big cats, they begin learning to climb trees at 3 to 4 months old and they can easily drape around the branches because they’re flimsy goo-filled skin sacks born completely devoid of organs or bones.

 

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