Doesn’t it look like the thumb from this hand chair shoves straight up your cooter? I’m not asking, kittens. I’m hoping.

via My Favorite and My Best

While I can clearly see the aesthetic appeal of this music box, the movement of which causes the barley to sway, I can’t shake the aw-shucks, redneck, hillbilly flavor of swaying barley. SWAYING BARLEY. Yeah, that’s some kissin’ cousin bullshit. I’m pretty sure this is the next thing those beer-eating bumpkins are gonna deep fry and mouthfuck at the State Fair of Texas.

Names are funny things. For example, having a name like Warren or Larry or Ned can remove any and all sex appeal from even the foxiest dude. But having a name like Colossal Gash can make me want to date-rape an inanimate object.

“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

Dudes, this bear rug is only $1800, which is quite a steal considering how rare Pink Tapestry Bears are in the wild. Fun fact: 96% of all Pink Tapestry Bears are gay. The other 4% just pretended to be bisexual in college.

I heard your OB/GYN used these to scoop yeast-y chunks out of your cooch. True or false?

There’s nothing more appetizing than a ghost baboon staring into your soul with haunted dead eyes from underneath a layer of deviled eggs, is there? No, I’m really asking because every time I see one my stomach starts growling. Now please excuse me while I go snap into a Slim Jim.

This is the perfect couch for anyone who lives in an episode of Scooby Doo. But I don’t. I live in an episode of The Shirt Tales. Or at least that’s what you should tell anyone who questions my constant lack of pants.

Bonus: Every card comes with authentic dreariness and real-live suicidal thoughts.

I feel like we’ve posted a lot of boob pillows. But these are different. They’re extra lurid because they’re wearing stripper bras, being felt-up by Asian teens and hitting the Moscow club scene in chauffeured Euro-vans.

Plus, this particular pillow is also available in “Justin Timberlake.”