“I love you just the way I am.” All except for you, fupa.

via Orangehouse Blog

If I wanted to wake up in the car to the feel of penis pressing into the back of my neck, I’d go back to carpooling with Gary Busey. Zing. Your move, Busey.

Mr. Willy Pilly the car penis, $20.

My brother-in-law* has such in inherent loathing of the sun that he spent our Virgin Islands vacation sitting under trees at the edge of the beach wearing long pants and cross-stitching. Methinks* he needs to take a note or two from Lauren DiCioccio and start cross-stitching our vacation slides. And after that he should learn how to cross-stitch some motherfuckin’ Pina Coladas, because I came here to get drunk and punch stingrays, and I’m all outta stingrays.

*He is not a Vampire

*I am not a pirate

Waking up to bread is SO much better than waking up to a severe infestation of bedbugs. (Which is what I call my crabs so people don’t think I’m dirty.)

Desktop Wallpaper via Yonder Ponder

If someone’s going to eat my brains, it might as well be these gals. Now if I someone’s going to eat my other parts, I’d skew more Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, I don’t want it beat up. Or coked up.

via Rareica

Someone call Prince, this guy needs some Pussy Contro-o-o-l. Meet Craig of Caboodle Ranch. He runs a stray cat sanctuary in Florida. There’s a cat named Fuzzy Nuts, this clipart and an entire town of cathouses. If I were you, I’d head on over and donate. It might be the only tail you get all year.

If you use this pigeon bottle opener at your next party expect the bassist from Kings of Leon to have three drinks and then puss out like a little bitch. “I’m sorry party, but I had to bail. Also, sorry about all those songs we wrote except that one Sarah likes. That one’s pretty cool.”

I bet you think I’m gonna make a Moby DICK joke, but I’m not. I’m gonna make a whale joke. Ahem.

Two whales were swimming in the ocean when they noticed a whale harpooning boat. Furious, the boy whale told the girl whale that they should swim underneath it, blow air out of their blowholes as hard as the could and flip it over so the harpooners would drown. They did, but the boy whale realized that the people weren’t drowning; they were swimming to shore. He told the girl whale that they should swim after them and eat them all up before they could make it to land. Exasperated, the girl whale said, “Listen, I went along with the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen.”

I never said it would be a funny whale joke. Now buy this tray OR ELSE.

You should buy this Bearded Clam catnip toy because it’s much less painful than filling your actual vagina with catnip and letting your cat gnaw on it. Just ask Nikki when she gets out of the ICU.

I know it sounds crazy, but somehow all of these arrows are pointing at my vagina. On second thought that makes sense because this print is screened onto wood. It’s like one of those creepy paintings where the eyes follow you around the room. Except totally sexy.