Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.

Remember when it was January, but I force fed you Christmas ornaments? Yeah, I remember that, too. It’s called now.

Oh, that’s a genius idea, parents. Teach your dumb kids to draw on the bedding. Next thing you know they’ll be engaging in horseplay, thinking for themselves, or loosening their restraints long enough to dart into the living room, dial the maddeningly slow rotary phone you thought was “so retro!” and make a desperate plea to 911 before dashing back into the attic and pulling up the ladder just as they hear the sound of your keys crashing onto the tile floor as you, drunker and crazier than yesterday, yell and slur your demands for a gallon of whiskey and a vegan banana split before passing out face down on the futon bathed in the flickering glow of Nick At Night’s Perfect Strangers marathon. If that doesn’t sound fun, do yourself a favor and just go to Bed, Bath and Beyond like a normal person.

The great feminist writer of Not Tonight Darling, I’m Knitting – which is a real book, by the way – toyed with a few other titles before committing. They included, but were not limited to: High-Five: Divorce, Y’all, Craft Your Way to Celibacy, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Knitting (not to be confused with Knitting for Your Cats), and  Knitting Your Vagina Closed with Your Own Pubes. Kudos to her for telling stereotypically handsome dudes around the world where to stick it: i.e. not in our vaginas ’cause ladies hate sex.

I wouldn’t be caught dead in this coffee table dress. Bitch, please. That’s what my coffin dress is for.

One night in the summer of 2006, I spent many hours drinking on a beach in Cannes, France with the guy who did the laughs for both Beavis and Butthead. The experience was incredibly odd, as he was totally normal in every way, but then I’d say something unbelievably witty – naturally – and a hybrid Beavis/Butthead laugh would come out. Also that night, I was asked on a date by a very sweaty dancing man with Alopecia, shortly before making out with a German guy with blonde dreadlocks.

And these, my friends, are some of the many reasons you should get into advertising: free 10-day trips to French Riviera, the meeting of D-minus-list celebrities, dance parties that resemble an episode of True Life, horrible champagne-goggle decision making of the Aryan-nation-cum-Reggaeton variety, and the audacity to start a blog solely for the sake of talking about these things. Also, these dudes are terrifying, no?

via that Bunghole, Alan McCoy

Coincidentally, Disposable Flask was my nickname in college.

This one time, Nikki, Krista and I had an idea to do a blog spoofing fashion blogs. It was to be called Sea of Snooze (in tribute to our favorite local fashion godess), and on it we would post pictures of ourselves in terrible, boring outfits, running through picturesque fields and making duckface while doing the broken down doll. We even went out and took some photos with our friend Clint. But then we got lazy and forgot about it. The end. This tangent brought to you by What Party, who’s awesome embroidery Etsy shop is currently on vacay. I know. Double disappointing.

Surely it’s no coincidence that a dish used for making pie looks like a package of birth control pills. Either way, I can’t wait to pop your cherry…

…pie into the oven.

I didn’t think it possible, but there is something out there stupider than a vague, sweeping internet censorship bill written by a bunch of computer-illiterate old blowhards who, as we speak, are probably on the phone with one of their grandkids trying to figure out how to “make the sex tweets” at their intern. Wondering if this dog rack dog humiliation device is even real? Me, too. But we’ll have to wait until tomorrow because the Fairdale site is closed to protest SOPA.