Something tells me these feet belong to a very lonely woman that probably eats a lot of Dinty Moore Stew.

My lifestyle is artsy, my craft friends would agree
So much tape that wrapping paper don’t faze me
Hot glue gun, DIY? Done.
Groupies on my Pinterest for some homemade fun
Craft blog is booming, internet zooming
Known around the web for my sick yarn looming
Martha Stewart’s teacher, DIY feature
Got some raw wool in my pantry waiting for me to bleach her,
Too many thrifts, turned into gifts
Give any crap from Goodwill a supercute facelift
Crease and tape it like a champ, never have to glue it
Cuz wrapping  ain’t easy; but somebody gotta do it

Motherfucking shit cock balls cooter hell damn prick needledick assfart cuntface pickle-nipples fucknuts pussy assbags bollocks whore tit fannyfucker crudmonkey bloody hell slutpunch wiener bullshit pisspants jizzbucket doucheface cumbucket pubepocket spunkmuppet queefboss shitbag twaticles.

Hey America, we’re baaaaack. And we brought all of the cusswords with us. See you soon, spazzsacks.

While we’re very accustomed to breaking other people’s bones, our promises and children’s spirits, we’ve never taken a break from blogging. So we’re packing up for a couple weeks to stave off the impending carpal tunnel and take part in summer activities like hating people while sweaty and being lazy as fuck while sweaty.

Try not to ugly-cry your face off. We’ll see you kids in September!

Ewww. Sick. Regular heads are so stupid, but Hip Hop Heads are HOT. Buy these tiny trucker party hats/teenage pregnancy makers and make your head suck less. You can write on them, too. Just be sure to make the “p” in dope backwards. Why? Because it’s not just tits. It’s grandma tits. (They’re so gross they’re cool!)

I mock what I love. I want these so bad it hurtz.

Beer opener iPhone case? Absolutely. We really don’t drunk dial enough.

Okay, I just realized that Pink Flokati Rugs exist and I’m not going to lie, there are tingles in my underpants.

via Poppytalk

These unborn fetus models are the only things that have ever made me regret my abortion. Just kidding! My body is a hostile environment that can’t support human life. Just kidding again! I was born without reproductive organs. Okay, I actually had them removed so I’d look skinnier. My goal is to weigh slightly less than a fetus.

I love this aluminum foil. I’ll never need it, but I love it. I prefer to keep my leftovers where they belong — rotting under the pillows of my…nemesises? Nemeses? Shoosh. Fuck pimpin’. Evil grammar ain’t easy.

I’m not using Treat Stick for my non-existent dog. I’m using it for myself. Just as soon as I figure out how to get two Oreo Cheesequake Blizzards up in that bitch.